16

Look Both Ways Before You Cross My Mind

The skies gradually darken as dusk sets in and Atticus glides through the water on Trevor’s boat. Stars begin to twinkle into view in the eastern skies and a cool breeze blows in from the sea. The two travel largely in silence, Atticus seated at the bow and Trevor comfortably standing at the stern as if to steer, but the paddle never touches the water.
About halfway through their trip, Trevor breaks the silence, “Do you know anything about the old gods or the religions of the old world?”
Atticus blinks slowly, trying to snap back to reality and decipher what was just asked of him. “Huh? The old gods? No, hardly, my parents never said anything and Sienna only ever taught us the basics of what happened.”
“And what was it you learned?”
“Uh, I don’t know. Something called the Rapture, I think? International mass suicide and hysteria, on top of an already dying planet, resulted in what we’re left with now.”
“You really did only learn the basics, huh?”
“Most of us have much more to worry about than a history lesson. Where are you going with this?”
“I’ve been around for a long time, seen it all. I haven’t always been the same, physically or metaphorically speaking, but I’ve existed nonetheless. I doubt I’ll ever experience something quite like the Rapture ever again. I’ve thrived in most eras and, while that was the most power I’ll ever experience, it wasn’t necessary for my survival and frankly, far too dramatic for my tastes. That said, despite what most would assume, I wasn’t behind that in any way. We’re still unsure of who exactly was responsible, but I still think it was that God, capital G by the way, wanting to end things for himself and go out with a bang. I’m biased towards those implications, though.”
“Very interesting. Again, where are you going with this?” There’s no interest in his voice and Atticus is drumming his fingers on the edge of the boat.
“You’re going to have to learn how to be more patient real quickly.” Trevor’s tone isn’t that of anger, but there’s a hint of annoyance. “It’ll be helpful for you to better understand how us gods work. Can I go on or will you interrupt again?”
Atticus sighs and waves his hand in the air, “Yeah, whatever, go on.”
“Thank you.” He nods his thanks as well and continues, “The one big guy monopolized this world long before the Rapture, so you could say it wasn’t even recent events that caused the downfall of most of the old gods. It’s a shame, really, many of them were quite pleasant. Then, of course, the Rapture happened, and basically all faith was lost. At least, faith in the scriptured old gods, but many of us persisted because humans didn’t realize they were the ones creating us. Gods aren’t just big people in the clouds, used to explain the supposed unexplainable, but we’re manifested through humanity’s worship in well, really anything. Following?”
“I guess, some of this I already had a grasp on from Di and Moony. I’m pretty sure I know who Dimitri is so, based on your exposition, I take it you’re s-”
Trevor puts a finger up to stop Atticus, “No need to say it. And that brings us to the next act, are you ready to perform once again?”
Atticus narrows his eyes.
“I’ve left something for you under your seat, but be careful, please.”
Atticus slowly leans down and reaches under the bench, fingers wrapping around the cold metal. He’s seen a functional gun maybe one other time in his life, in a mobster’s possession. Otherwise, he’s only seen them in books or rusted and dysfunctional, left in an abandoned building. His eyes are wide as he carefully sets it in his lap, unsure of what to do. “Is this a fucking gun?” He laughs, the sounds echoing off of the surrounding buildings, “If I were going to off myself, I would’ve done so by now, I don’t need this shit.”
“Never said that’s what it was for, did I? No, this is for you to decide what to do with it, but I think you know. I’d suggest hiding it well, I’ll have to drop you off soon to walk inland the rest of the way. You’ve only got one shot, so use it wisely.”
“For one, I don’t know how to use this shit. And two, how does this help you in any way? You’ve gotta be getting something out of this, but it doesn’t make sense for who you are.”
“I have nothing to lose. If you decide to go through with anything, the bullet is in the chamber, all you’ve got to do is turn off the safety and pull the trigger.”
Atticus eyes Trevor, not saying anything.
“Well, I believe this is as far as we can go. Godspeed, Atticus Frank, and I’m sure I’ll see you on the other side.” The boat drifts up to the docks and slows to a stop.
There’s likely only a few feet of water under the boat, as they’ve traveled into Century City where the water levels are much lower. Atticus hesitates to leave, holding the pistol in his hands, and then finally caves and tucks it into his waistband and under the white, baggy sweater that Sunny lent him. He steps onto the dock and mutters his gratitude to Trevor for the ride before setting off. He walks several blocks before arriving at the Centurion, the tallest, most structurally sound building in the city.
Arriving at the base of the building, Atticus looks up at it, looming over him like a mountain not meant to be climbed. Lights glow from most of the windows, but it’s near the top that they shine the brightest, a lighthouse either illuminating his way home or warning him to stay away, lest he wreck on the rocky shores. He decides that the sea is too stormy to risk sailing by, however, and enters the building.
On the lowest level, there’s a handful of people walking in and out, dressed for the occasion and chatting excitedly. Atticus gets the attention of a small party, two girls and a guy, all in their mid 20s, talking about an unexpected delay.
“Sorry to interrupt, do you know what’s going on? Has Mondo started performing yet?” When they turn to Atticus, he’s surprised to see that he recognizes one of the women. “Nikki! Wow! Didn’t expect to see you here. I… don’t think I’ve ever seen your hair down, sorry I didn’t recognize you.”
“Atticus! Oh my goodness!” Nikki’s wavy hair sits around her shoulders instead of being pulled up into her usual space buns, but her glasses still sit on the bridge of her nose. She’s got a light leather jacket on over a mid-length, floral dress. “We were just talking about how the opener is late, so nothing has started. You have anything to say about that?”
“Eesh… I uh, yeah. Ask Sunny the next time you see him. Do you mind if I join you guys in going up? I’ve been pretty nervous and you have no clue how relieved I am to see a friendly face.”
Nikki raises an eyebrow, “Hmm. I don’t see why not, I was bored of third-wheeling anyways.” She smiles and offers her hand, which Atticus returns by offering an elbow for her to hold. “This is Derek and Danielle, by the way.”
Atticus nods at both of them, “I’m Atticus.” He leads them into the nearest lift. “Sorry to delay this whole thing for everyone, but I have a feeling I’m not done fucking up yet tonight. Any chance you listened to the radio today? I was away, I hope the music at least continued to play.”
“I- yeah, I suppose it played all day, but it stopped a couple of hours ago, been static ever since.” Nikki answers as they begin their ascent.
“Ah, that’s alright.” He’s staring at the doors, clearly on edge.
“Atti, are you okay? I’m not sure I’ve seen you like this before. And you’re hardly dressed the part for your position here tonight.”
“I’m fine.” He glances at her, staring up at him, and then changes the subject, “I didn’t think this was your scene, Nikki.”
She chuckles, “Well not generally, but Sunny mentioned you were opening and then my friends happened to invite me, figured I would drag myself out for once.”
“I see. You look great, by the way.” He continues staring straight ahead.
She blushes a bit but doesn’t have time to say anything in response.
“What if I said that I think you should leave?”
Derek and Danielle mutter to each other and Nikki furrows her brows, taken off guard. She takes a moment, but responds regardless, “Not sure I understand.”
“Well you see, I’m just realizing that I don’t think I want someone I know to see this side of me.”
Nikki laughs, “Atti, I’ve heard your humor before, you’re not going to offend me or anything.”
“That’s not it. No I don’t think there’s gonna be much of a show tonight and I’d prefer if you weren’t here. I wish I could say that your arrival is grounding or something like that, but it just isn’t enough.”
The smile fades from her face, “Should we be worried?”
“You’ll be safe, don’t worry, but that doesn’t change what I’ve said.” The doors slide open, revealing the busy floor of the Moonlight Serenade.
Atticus slides out from Nikki’s grip. He finally looks her in the eye, “If you’re not going to take my word and leave, at least do me a favor and don’t let this city take your humanity, alright? I’ll understand if you hate me after tonight, but don’t let anything change you. I’ve got a job to do now, but thanks for the company, it really helped me get up here.”
Nikki looks at him, worried, and stays in the elevator as her friends get out. “If Sunny can trust you, I’ll do the same. Come around the greenhouse sometime, it’d do you good to get out of this stuffy city.”
Atticus mouths a ‘thank you’ as the doors close on her. He turns away from Danielle and Derek, left standing confused, and pushes through the thick crowd. He marches directly to the roped off section by the stage where Moony and Dimitri spend their time. The stage is empty and the crowd is antsy; everyone is getting impatient. A couple of people recognize him and he can hear rumors spread through the mass.
He doesn’t even make it to the gods when Dimitri finds him in the crowd. “What the fuck are you doing? Jack and Eun-Min are pissed and they’re taking it out on me.”
“Sounds like a fucking you problem, doesn’t it? You know exactly why I’m late.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Dimitri tries to play dumb, but her tone isn’t holding as well as it usually does when she lies.
“I’ll deal with you later.” Atticus keeps pushing through the crowd until they get to Moony.
The entertainment god is in his usual seat, Jackson nowhere to be seen, and Jenny is seated nearby with a glass of whatever alcohol it is that Moony pours her. She smiles genuinely at Atticus, “Glad you could make it, dear.”
Moony doesn’t allow for any more pleasantries, “About damn time, kid, you’ve got ten minutes to make up for this somehow, I’m not going to ask for an excuse. Stage is yours until Mondo’s band comes out.”
Atticus can hear the two gods arguing as he makes his way up to the stage.
The crowd cheers the moment they see someone on stage and the spotlights turn on. Despite the heat of the light, Atticus is grateful that his eyes can’t focus past the blinding glow, leaving the crowd to be a blur of motion and noise. He almost always got performance jitters during the small shows he did on the low end, but now he realizes that they’re gone completely. These people look up to him in ways he’ll never understand and the rage he feels towards the day’s events overpower anything else he could possibly feel. He could almost say he feels untouchable, immortal, like a god himself.
“Gah lee, Seatac, fuck me for being so late, amiright?”
He gives the crowd a moment to cheer and boo and make all the appropriate noises.
“I don’t have much time now, so I’ll keep this short so we can bring Jackson out. When I was doing this regularly -only about a month ago, even though it feels like it’s been years- I would always end my shows with the same joke; people say that only two things in life are certain; death and taxes, but now I’m sure there’s a third, and it’s that life is one big joke.”
Several crowd members whoop in agreement while others chuckle.
“Don’t get me wrong! I love a good joke, but man if I’m not sick of being on the butt end of it. Let me break it down for you all, yeah? A joke is broken up into multiple parts; there’s the set-up, a misdirection, and then the punchline. My set-up was my childhood. Parents passed when I was a kid, I joined the rats in stealing my way through survival until I got picked up like the stray I was. Then of course, my adoptive dad was killed by the motherfucker lounging backstage right now. I found myself trying to follow in his footsteps, but by using the only way I knew how, comedy. It’s a great coping mechanism, if you know what I mean.
“Here comes that misdirection, however; I was offered more, I was shown illusions of grandeur, and it was working. Everything seemed fine, seemed great for one fleeting moment. I mean, I had everything that any of us could ask for, right? But that’s what the misdirection is for, to convince you that nothing bad could possibly go wrong. You remove yourselves from the reality of things, you pretend you’re not falling apart and you gaslight yourself into believing that it’s true, and that’s okay! It keeps us sane during a bad comedy routine.”
Most of the crowd looks confused, but there are several forced laughs.
“I hope you’re all still with me, because now comes the punchline. About time, right?”
Right on queue, Atticus notices Jackson off to the side, face red with rage but composed enough to come out with his band.
“Jackson! Just who I was ready to announce! Wanna come out and join me?”
Jackson grimaces but puts on a more confident expression as he struts out and joins Atticus in the spotlight. The crowd cheers for a moment, but they quickly hush each other in anticipation for what’s next.
Jackson leans in to use the microphone, on its stand between the two of them, “Lovely to see you all tonight, and I’m glad to see so many stuck around despite the delay.” He side-eyes Atticus and straightens his posture.
Atticus grins and claps his hand onto Jackson’s shoulder blade, “Right, so glad you all stuck around! The shows that this man manages to put on for this city truly will blow your mind.”
With that, Atticus removes his hand from Jackson, takes a step away, and pulls out the gun. He’s replaying Trevor’s instructions on how to use it in his head.
Safety, off.
Jackson hasn’t had time to register what’s happening.
Atticus raises his arm, steady.
The crowd is probably too inebriated to register anything either.
Jackson’s eyes meet his. They’re afraid.
Pull the trigger.
Bang. Gasps from the crowd. A thud as Jackson’s body hits the floor.
Blood splatters Atticus and spreads across the stage from the remnants of Jackson’s head.
His ears ring for a moment as he turns to the crowd. He remains thankful for the spotlight, but when the ringing fades he can hear their murmurs; he notes that most of the crowd doesn’t seem as put off as he expected they should be. Maybe they haven’t registered what just happened quite yet.
The lights begin to dim as whoever is in charge of them realizes the weight of the situation. It’s about time, nobody wants to see a body in the spotlight.
As his eyes adjust, Atticus looks across the room to the back, where he recognizes Trevor and another woman standing, watching, unmoving as the rest of the crowd begins to pour out. The woman has skin like a golden field of wheat and long, dark hair decorated with colorful beads and braids. She looks kind, and he doesn’t need to be told her name to recognize her as Death, standing beside the more nefarious looking Trevor, or Suicide as he’s become aware. While Trevor is grinning, she looks at him with the same pity he’s seen on Sunny’s face quite frequently in recent weeks. Atticus drops the gun and realizes his hands are shaking.
The world spins but in this moment of clarity, Atticus leans into the mic, looking Death in the eyes, “The funniest part, is that I don’t think this will even change a thing, because it’s all a joke, and jokes were never meant to be taken seriously.”
Trevor begins clapping and hollering, but nobody joins in. Atticus backs away and flees to where Moony and Dimitri stand. Jenny is already gone, likely to avoid seeing more than she would like. Some of Jackson’s men look ready to pounce on Atticus, but it’s clear they won’t pass Moony.
Dimitri smiles and puts an arm around a shaking Atticus, trying to lead him backstage, but he throws her arm away from himself and barks at her, “Don’t fucking touch me, you fucking cunt, don’t think I don’t know what you really are!” He storms through the door into the back room, where it’s significantly quieter, and frantically tries to remember where the exit is.
Dimitri is behind him in no time, “Ah c’mon, Atti, this was all your doing, don’t blame me.”
His heart rate increases, “No. No, you wanted this shit. Are you happy? Are you FUCKING HAPPY!? You won, Dimitri! Now the whole city can praise the despair that you brought around.”
“No, Atti, they worship you now, not me. It just so happens that you are a part of me.” Dimitri looks smug as she speaks, “Now, I’ll be around in the morning and we can hash things out with a level head, yeah? In the meantime, Moony will lead you to the exit while I go catch up with my old friend, Trevor, who I had no clue was even in town. Tah tah.” She blows him a kiss and struts away.
Atticus stands there, a wild animal cornered, breathing heavily and eyes wide.
Moony comes in after Dimitri is gone and sighs, “There goes our bet, now I owe her, thanks for that, Mr. Frank. Now, if you’ll follow me, I’ll show you out.”
Moony keeps his distance from Atticus as he leads them down the hall to a back exit. Atticus barely manages to get his feet to move, feeling as though they have lead cinder blocks tied to them. He’d prefer not to follow Moony, but knows it’s his only escape at this point. Instead of taking an elevator down, Moony escorts them across a skywalk and through another neighboring building. They stop at a second skywalk.
“Take the emergency stairs down in the next building, they’ll spit you out on the backside of the building where Dimitri left her boat. I’m sure it’ll get you home with ease.” He turns to leave Atticus and then pauses to add one more comment, “Oh and don’t worry about people bothering you at home, they won’t.”
Atticus finds himself alone in the dimly lit skywalk. He can see out the windows, where the occasional group of people wander by down below, appearing under each successional streetlight, like lost spiders looking for home.
He throws up and lets himself crumple onto the floor, head in his hands. Why does the rain never fall when it should? He allows himself to sob into his arms, wrapped around his knees.
From the direction he and Moony came, Atticus can hear voices, a man and a woman. He doesn’t recognize the woman but assumes that the man is Moony, they’re arguing but he doesn’t have the energy to properly listen in.
“-He’s just a kid, Eun-Min! You’ll never understand!” The woman’s voice has grown to a yell and then Atticus can hear the single set of footsteps approaching.
He still doesn’t lift his head when he feels her crouch down in front of him and place a hand on his shoulder.
“You’re standing in my vomit.” Atticus mumbles through his arms and tries to wipe some of the tears from his face with his sleeve. He notices the blood on his clothes and leans over to throw up again, avoiding the woman in front of him. “Sorry.”
“Oh honey, you don’t need to apologize. None of this is your fault. May I sit?”
Atticus avoids eye contact, but recognizes Death next to him, she emanates warmth. “I think I just want to go home.”
“I know, hun,” She respects his lack of an answer and doesn’t sit down, continuing to crouch next to him.
“Why are you here?” Atticus has returned to speaking to the ground with his head resting on his arms. “Shouldn’t you be taking care of the man that I killed?”
“I already took care of Jackson. He felt no pain and moved on with little debate. I’m here because I know you need it and I don’t want Trevor or Dimitri doing any more harm than they’ve already done.”
“I think I understand Trevor’s motive, now. I’ve basically killed myself, haven’t I?”
“Atticus, the fact that you care so much is proof that you haven’t. I understand why Alec keeps you around, you know.”
Atticus finally looks up at her at the mention of his brother, “So Sunny did meet you?”
“He did, and I also understand why you call him Sunny. You should keep him around as long as you can, but understand that he’s not the only one who can save you.” She smiles warmly.
“You listened.”
“Always, but I’m not the one that saved him either. Give yourself more credit, Atti, you’re more human than you know.”
“But not anymore, am I?”
“I’ll tell you what I told Dimitri half a century ago, and I hope it gets through to you more than it did her; to become a god, you must first be human.”