21

Sea Foam//Self Care

I’ve never felt lower in my life, which means I can only go up from here, right? There’s nothing left in me to throw up, nothing left of me to lose, for real this time. My last shred of mortality has been eaten by a catfish at the bottom of the canal in the form of bile.
In truth, I guess I killed myself several months ago, when I stopped caring about why I was even staying alive. Now that I’m actually dead to the world, I’m not really sure how to feel. Why did I start fighting so hard after it was already over for me? It’s natural to look for an easy way out, but of course it took losing my humanity to realize how much it meant to me.
It’s been a few days, I think, since Dimitri left. I’m finally able to get up and get my shit together after spending however long being sick and useless. I know she closed our contract, or it closed on its own when the stipulations were no longer being met, but I haven’t felt a real difference. I did too much of this to myself to be able to blame her for it all.
I’ve spent my time since the party either awake and sick or asleep and reliving all the nightmares of my past incarnations. We were all the same, trying to live through grief by never grieving. The dreams started out unbearable, but in reality, they’re helping me understand the world and my place in it far more.
In one dream, I saw myself as an older woman, having seen her entire family die prematurely because of a war. In another, a teenage boy with neglectful parents and no support. I’ve also been a serial killer, a Victorian mother who lost her child to disease, a heartbroken man who emotionally died along with his husband after an accident, a disabled war veteran…
The sun is always shining in my dreams. I guess we all shared that fate as well; the sun forever being warm and comforting at times when I just want the rain to wash away the memories.
No human is immune to guilt, grief, and tragedy. Sometimes we just want to forget how to feel and move on in life. I wonder what Dimitri sees when she sleeps, or did she give up on trying?
The sun hasn’t come out since I returned home. Why won’t the sun come out? For once, the weather matches how I feel.
*****
I scatter food out for the chickens and then walk down the docks a short ways until I get to the boat that Eli and Anita had left for me. Eli said it’s not meant for the open sea, but the ocean is about the last thing I’m afraid of these days. Besides, what’s the worst that can happen? I die? Yeah right.
I get to work moving my few possessions onto the boat. I don’t really need much anymore, in regards to food, water, and shelter, but I pack several changes of clothes, blankets, books, and my chicken; the last thing tying me down to who I am. In my pack with several notebooks and a small radio, I also slip a handful of CDs that I had swiped from the station; music that I know Sunny, George, Eli, and Anita like.
I’m in the middle of rigging ropes the way Eli showed me the day we went fishing when I hear quickly approaching footsteps. I hardly have time to look up and see who’s coming before they speak.
“Atti! You better not be leaving right now! You didn’t even wait for me to say goodbye!?” Nikki is already at the boat by the time she finishes.
“Nikki! Yo!” I finish tying off one of the ropes. “I, uh, wasn’t leaving quite yet…”
She crosses her arms and looks more like an accusatory mother than my long time friend.
“Ok, maybe I was leaving, but when have I ever been great at goodbyes?”
She rolls her eyes, “And after everything I’ve done for you all. After growing up together… What am I to you?” The dramatic facade breaks towards the end of her statement and she starts smiling.
I grin back, relieved that she’s not actually mad, and hop out of the boat. “Sorry! You are right, though. I’m glad you came over, Nikki. Wanna go inside for a bit? I’m in no hurry.”
She nods and we head back to the house. Inside, I go to light the stove to heat water, but there’s no propane or power in the house anymore. I bring Nikki a glass of lukewarm water instead, which she takes graciously but sets down without drinking any.
“So did you somehow know I was leaving today, or did you assume the worst and just come to take care of the chickens?” I take a seat across from her at the dining table. “Thank you, by the way, for offering to take the chickens. It’s silly, but I was genuinely worried about what would happen to them after we all left.”
“You know I’m happy to take them, I have another greenhouse hand that recently started and, once you’re out of here, we’re going to move them up to the gardens. And to answer your question, I had a feeling you were still around.”
“Ah, I see.” Nikki showed up early in the week to check on the chickens for Sienna, unaware that I was here. I’ve explained most everything to her, felt like I owed it to her after telling her to leave Jackson’s party two weeks ago.
She squints her eyes at me and finally asks, “You can’t really say you died, can you? I mean, you’re here, the same as you’ve always been. I know you explained the whole ‘god business’ stuff, but I just don’t think I understand how you can call being sick for a week dying.”
I snort, “Naw, you’re right, but let me be dramatic. I hope her drama is the only trait I picked up from Di, because she also referred to it as dying. I mean in retrospect, yes, the human in me died. That’s what all the illness was about, my body rejecting itself as it decides to stop aging and… stuff.”
She looks at me in tired disbelief, “Atti, you didn’t pick that trait up from anybody, you’ve always been a dramatic little shit. Do you even know what ‘stuff’ is?”
I don’t respond.
She shakes her head, “You’re useless. Are you sure you should be leaving just yet?”
“Yes! It’s fucking time, I don’t think I could be here any longer. The chickens are sick of me, you know? They know all the punchlines to my jokes at this point and the audience is far too stale here.”
“Have you considered writing new jokes?”
“Oh yeah, that is the plan! Time for act two of Life, except this time the joke will last a millennia!”
She laughs, and that’s the closest thing to sunshine that I’ve felt in days.
We hang out for another hour and it’s probably around noon when we decide it’s time to part ways, but it’s hard to tell the time when its passage no longer means anything to me and the skies are perpetually gray.
Nikki embraces me and we say our goodbyes. She returns to her greenhouse, leaving me with the chickens one last time. The chickens have been the one continuity in my life, having been my mother’s before she passed and then taken in alongside me by Sienna and James. All the remaining chickens are the next generations down from the ones I first helped raise with my mom, but they’re all the same. I say goodbye to them last and finally return to the boat.
I take a deep breath and set the sails. The winds and tides are already in my favor, pulling the small fishing vessel out to sea. As I leave the city behind, I can see a fissure in the clouds on the northwestern horizon, right where I’m headed, where the faintest stream of light is pouring through.
I may not physically be human anymore, those parts of me were either taken by despair or given to the sea, but I’ll be damned if I don’t feel more human than ever now.
*****
“ROAAAAAA!” I scream at the sky, lying on my back in the boat. “ROA COME TALK TO ME, I’M BORED!”
No response. It’s been smooth sailing for several days, but I quickly realized that I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing in this boat. I know that Roa has been aiding me, but since I know nothing of navigation, I sure hope they’re sending me in the right direction.
“ROA! YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY BE SO BUSY TO IGNORE ME!”
There’s a splash and the boat lurches to one side, tilting towards the water. I catch myself before sliding into the wall and sit up. The same ominously pale mermaid has their arms draped over the edge of the boat, holding herself up out of the water. She’s reasonably large, weighing the boat down.
“Fucking finally, I’m bored and I’m lonely, Roa, hang out with me.”
Their eyebrows raise and she stares at me vexingly, “Didn’t I specifically request for you not to call on me unnecessarily?”
“This is necessary. How many times do I need to say that I’m bored and lonely?” I give her a sly smile and she rolls her eyes in response.
She sighs in defeat and a smile creeps onto their face, but it’s unnerving when her sharp teeth peek through. “Yeah, whatever, I’ll admit that I get bored too. Everyone always thinks I’m this terrible, untouchable, unforgivable beast, so maybe it’s kinda nice for another god that I can actually talk to to bother me every once in a while. I mean granted I am pretty overwhelming most of the time.” She fully bares her teeth this time.
“I was gonna say…”
“Ok don’t be rude, I can leave. I do have the entire ocean to take care of and a lot more heartbroken, lonely, and lost humans yearning over me right now.”
“That can’t be too hard if you’re able to also keep me on track. I assume I’m going north, up the coast, right?”
Their mouth is agape as they stare at me, “Of course you don’t even know. For one, yes you are on course, you’re welcome. Second, this is absolutely nothing for me. You think I, the primordial god of the sea, who’s been around since fish grew legs, would struggle to push a measly little goon like yourself a few hundred miles up the coast? Get a load of this guy! Maybe I should leave, because clearly you don’t actually appreciate me.”
“What? No, that’s not what I meant-”
The boat lurches again as Roa disappears into the water. This time however, the boat doesn’t settle into the calm waters. Instead, it continues to rock back and forth, larger waves crashing into the sides until it starts to drift off course.
“Ok I get it! ROA COME BACK I GET IT!”
I hear her snickering before the waters level out again and they pull the boat down to lean on it. “Serves you right.”
“You really are bored, huh?” I sigh in relief.
“Boredom gets a new meaning in my position. I’m sure soon enough though, you’ll find yourself preoccupied with the thoughts and feelings of your devotees around the world.”
“Can you explain that, actually? I wasn’t born for this, I don’t know what I’m doing. If the people of Seatac move on, will I disappear?”
“Ah, that would be the case if Seatac residents were the only humans that worshiped apathy, but they’re not. Long story short, your situation was just the catalyst for filling the role of Apathy.”
“So, people around the world were already worshiping apathy as a concept, but there wasn’t quite enough to manifest a god for the role?”
“BINGO. But then you showed up and, with outside intervention, had the honor of becoming the personification of apathy. Dimitri was similar, but her case was more gradual and large scale.”
“So I’m not just a god in Seatac, I’m now fulfilling the role of Apathy for everyone. Which explains why I feel so fucking stretched out, like all the parts of me are trying to reach everyone that wants my help. What the fuck do I do? I don’t know the first thing about being a god!”
“Good news, buccaneer, you’ve got plenty of time to learn.”
“You’re not going to tell me anything else? Not even explain how to respond to anyone or travel around the way other gods do? Di and Moony are able to listen in on radio waves and communicate that way, how do I do that?”
They shrug, “I’ve never had to, I kinda exist everywhere I need to be. If you exist somewhere, simply show up there. I don’t know what else to say, it’s second nature.”
I exhale and fall back on the bench to stare up at the clouds passing by. “What a drag, I guess I’ll figure it all out eventually.”
“We all had to.” The boat rocks as she shifts, “That cloud looks like a shark.”
I try to find the cloud she’s talking about, but none of them match the description. “What are you talking about? At most, I see a manta ray, but it’s too windy up there for any proper shapes.”
“Made you look.”
I prop myself up on an elbow to look at her, pressing my brows together in confusion, “Huh? Roa, I was already looking.”
“Alright, comedian, sorry my jokes aren’t good enough for you.”
“Right.” I laugh and lay back down, “You know what, maybe that one does look like a shark after all.”
“Thank you! Now find one that looks like a leviathan eating a grilled cheese sandwich.”
“You lost me again, but that one looks like a giant crab holding up the sun.”
We go back and forth like this for a while, and I decide that maybe things will be alright after all. Sunny was right in always telling me to enjoy the little things, I’ve just gotta learn how to pass that message along to everyone begging for me to take their feelings away now. Can’t take things so seriously, life is a joke after all, may as well laugh about it.